


Nothing is Going to Hurt You

by borkybarks19



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Biphobia, Homophobia, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:27:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22288639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borkybarks19/pseuds/borkybarks19
Summary: A family tragedy helps Eddie realize his true feelings for Buck.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 39
Kudos: 294





	1. Do You?

**Author's Note:**

> Eddie receives a call that makes him go back to Texas to see family he has been avoiding.
> 
> **Anything that is italics are Eddie's personal thoughts and flashbacks.**

Eddie wasn’t sure when he became codependent with his best friend, but it felt normal. Within the span of nearly two years Buck became his confidant, his go to person, the one and only person he could tell all of his secrets with the exception of one. He was one of the few people he could trust and he always felt fortunate to have him in his life. He didn’t realize that the lines were beginning to blur and he found himself thinking about his best friend more than what was considered “normal”. Just as he was starting to question his own feelings, he received an unexpected phone call from his father. He figured it was the usual spiel of his parents trying to convince him to return to Texas, but it was to inform him of a tragedy.

His father called him to let him know his great aunt had passed away, and suddenly he was having to book a flight back to Texas to see the family he had been actively avoiding.

“You don’t have to come for the funeral.” His father had told him.

“I know it must be hard for you especially after Sha-”

“I’ll be fine.” He responded sternly. “I can’t talk much, I have a long shift.” He hung up before his dad could say goodbye.

He was not looking forward to interacting with his parents again. Everything had been tense since the last time he saw them at Shannon’s funeral, but he felt like he had to be supportive of his grandmother. He closed his eyes and an image of someone he hadn’t thought of in many years flashed before his eyes. He sighed loudly, it was going to be a long trip.

Not long after he spoke to his father he talked to Buck about his great aunt’s funeral. Buck being the good friend that he is offered to watch Christopher.

“I don’t mind watching him Eddie.” Buck told him in the locker room.

“I just don’t want to bother you with my problems.”

“You’re not bothering me.” Buck said defensively.

“Well it’s not like I’m going to be there for that long, I was thinking just for the week.” He said as he put away his equipment.

“Whatever you need man, I’m here for you.” Before he could respond the 118 received a call and suddenly his heart was pounding but he wasn’t sure why.

The rest of the week went by fast, and suddenly it was the day before his flight to Texas. He had decided to just go for the weekend since Buck was going to be watching Christopher, and he didn’t want to ask for too many favors.

“Are you sure you just want to stay for the weekend?” Buck had asked him while he was over at his house for dinner.

“It’s fine Buck. Plus, I have a shift scheduled next Tuesday anyways.” He reassured him.

“Yeah but Bobby said if you needed more days off he would give them to you.”

“It’s fine. Besides, I don’t think Christopher could survive your awful cooking for more than one day.” He joked.

“Hey! My Mac and Cheese is pretty great.” Buck teased.

“If you say so.” He smiled at him. He suddenly had a weird sensation that was in the pit of his stomach. _Butterflies_. No it couldn’t be. He didn’t feel like that around Shannon. It had to be something else.

“Are you okay?” Buck asked.

“I’m fine, I think I’ve had too many beers.” He lied. “I think it’s time for me to go to bed, I have an early flight tomorrow.”

“You do. Are you sure you’re okay with sleeping on the couch?”

“I’m fine, it’s just for tonight.” He felt his stomach turn into knots. _No I’m not okay with you being here right now, I need more time to think about this._ “Thank you for watching Christopher, I appreciate it.” He said.

“Jesus Eddie, you’ve only told me that a billion times, I really don’t mind.” Buck turned back around to finish washing the rest of the dishes.

“Right.” He said quietly.

_He was driving back to his house after spending the evening at Buck’s apartment. He could still feel his face flushed. He was grateful Christopher was passed out in the back seat. He could hear Buck’s voice ringing in his ears still. “You want to go for the title?” Buck said rather suggestively. When he was finally at his home and inside he felt instant relief until it was time for him to go to sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened in Buck’s kitchen. “You’re overthinking it.” He murmured to himself. Sure maybe he did think about Buck a little more than usual and sometimes he would catch himself daydreaming about his smile but maybe he just admired him as a friend. It couldn’t possibly be more than that could it?_

Eddie woke up to the sound of his alarm clock going off. He looked at the time 4 AM. He groaned. The weekend was going to be hell.


	2. White Ferrari

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie sees someone who he had a past with and it resurfaces old wounds. He realizes he hasn't been completely honest with Buck.

The flight back to Texas felt like a blur. He slept all the way there and didn’t realize they had already landed until Abuela was shaking him to wake him up. He was nearly dragging his feet to get his luggage at the airport and oddly nervous about staying at his parents house. _Everything will be fine._ At times he wished he had a better relationship with them, he always wondered how different everything would have turned out had things not been strained between them. _They would have never understood._ He felt nervous because he knew they were going to ask him about Buck and Christopher. Buck made him feel anxious but he blamed it on his sleep deprivation. 

He prepared himself for the worst and his anxiety skyrocketed when the taxi driver dropped him off and he saw that his house was packed. It was full of people he didn’t want to see, people who were going to give their condolences but they wouldn’t mean it because they despised him for who he is. He walked up the door. 

“Just ignore them.” His grandmother reassured him. She must’ve sensed apprehension. 

“That’s what I’m planning o-”

“Come in.” His father said. 

_Fuck this, I can’t do this._ Then he saw him, the person he didn’t want to see. He felt like the whole room had eyes on both of them. He ran upstairs to his old bedroom without greeting anyone. He was going to get shit for not being friendly but he could care less. He was more worried about seeing Alex. He felt like calling Buck to vent, but even he didn’t know about Alex. He was his deepest secret, he couldn’t reveal that to him just yet. His heart was racing and he was on the verge of a panic attack. He opened his luggage and pulled out his headphones. He plugged in his headphones into his phone and turned the music up. He lied down and passed out. 

_Eddie was attached to the hip with his best friend, Alex. Their families knew each other and they’ve known each other for practically their entire lives. They went to elementary, middle, and high school together and had planned to go to the same university. Their connection couldn’t be explained. Eddie started to feel differently about Alex but he couldn’t explain why. He wasn’t sure why he felt like his stomach was about to flip whenever he talked to him or why his face would turn red when he would get complimented by him. He decided to ignore those feelings, he didn’t want to weird Alex out._

_Things became tense between both of them when they were in the final year of high school. They were both 17 and they had agreed to not go to prom. Eddie couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy when Alex told him he had changed his mind and was planning on taking a date. It was after they had argued about it, when he realized why he even felt angry with him. He was in love with him, he loved his own best friend and he wanted to be more than friends. He went home and cried. His parents couldn’t understand what was wrong with him. He just wanted to be away from everyone._

_He was an idiot. The doorbell rang, his ears perked when he heard Alex asking for him. He nearly ran to the front door. He didn’t bother telling his parents he was leaving._

_“Can we talk?” Alex asked him._

_“Not here, in your car.” He said._

_They walked in silence. He could feel his ears pounding._

_“I thought you were going to prom.” He asked him when the were both inside of the car._

_“I changed my mind. It didn’t feel right, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Alex said as he pulled out of the driveway._

_“I should be apologizing. I was overreacting. I’m sorry.”_

_“Things haven’t been the same between us for a while though.” He drove up into the local grocery store parking lot and parked the car._

_“No they haven’t. I guess stressing about finals and college is really changing things.” Eddie said._

_“It’s not that Eddie, you know it isn’t.” He leaned in closer to him. “I have been feeling different about you for a while now and I didn’t know how to tell you.”_

_“I think I want to be more than friends.” He said._

_He felt Alex’s lips touch his. In that moment his worries washed away._

_He felt relieved that his best friend loved him back. Reality hit him when he figured neither of them could truly talk about their love for each with other people. They would get shunned. Alex reassured him and told him everything would be the usual and that no one would suspect a thing. They agreed to date each other and he fell more in love with him. He imagined a life with him outside of Texas. They could move somewhere where they would be accepted for who they are. He thought the were doing a good job at hiding their relationship but someone found out. He showed up to school one morning and found pictures of them kissing all over the school. Everyone knew now, but Alex remained positive, he didn't. It ended up being so much worse. During gym class the same day, a group of students threw their food at him and shoved him into a trash can._

_"This is what happens to you people." The bully and his friends laughed._

Eddie was awoken to the sound of someone banging on the door. He checked the time, it was 10 PM, he slept through most of the day. _Jesus can you knock any louder._ He opened the door expecting to hear his father or mother coming in to lecture him on how inconsiderate he is but it was his cousin, Marisol. 

“I haven’t seen my cousin in years and the first thing you do is run upstairs?” She said sarcastically. 

“Jet lag is a serious thing.” He responded. He let her into the bedroom. “How pissed off are my parents?” He asked her. 

“Pretty pissed. They were talking about how you shouldn’t have came to the funeral if you’re just going to lock yourself in a room.” She sat down on the bed. 

“I can never win with them.” He shrugged his shoulders. 

“In case you’re wondering, yes Alex left already.” She said. 

“I wasn’t expecting him to be here.” 

“Neither was I, I didn’t think he still lived in Texas. Since he’s in town, I think you should get closure with him.” Marisol said quietly. 

“I don’t need closure. I’m not going to be here long, I’m leaving tomorrow after the funeral.” He said in an irritated tone. 

“Look you were 17, it wasn’t fair what those kids did to you and I-” 

“I don’t want to talk about that right now.” He felt a lump in his throat. “I think you should leave.” He motioned the door. 

When he heard the door close he let his frustration out. How could Marisol possibly know what it felt like when he was 17. His whole life had changed and he ended up making impulsive decisions because of it. It prevented him from being completely honest with Buck. He felt his phone buzzing loudly. He looked. _Shit_. It was Buck. He had forgotten to call him when he was at the airport. He couldn’t talk to him now, what if he told him the truth? It wasn’t the right time to actually tell him. He would tell him when he would get back to Los Angeles, or maybe he would just keep it to himself. 

_  
  
_

  
  


  
  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think. I appreciate the comments from Chapter 1 :).  
> Flashback for this chapter are set around the mid 2000's.


	3. Forrest Gump

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie thinks back to his high school years in Texas and he finally gets to speak to Alex.

It was the day of the funeral, and he couldn't help but tear up when his grandmother started eulogizing her beloved sister. His heart ached for her. He blinked and he was back in Los Angeles watching Shannon die. He walked out the aisle he was in at church and nearly ran to the bathroom. _Don't think about it_ . He splashed water on his face to calm down but images of Sharon’s funeral were running through his mind. He fell down to the floor and started hyperventilating. _Don’t think about it, today isn’t about you._ He pulled out his phone and called the one person who would understand. 

“Hey Eddie, I was waiting to hear back from you.” Buck said. 

“I can’t do this.” He managed to say. 

“What, deal with your family? It’s just for one more day man. Christopher has been wanting to talk to you since yesterday.”

“No! I can’t talk to him right now.” He panicked. 

“Is everything okay?” Buck asked. 

“I don’t think so. He can’t talk to me, not with how I’m feeling right now.” 

“I think your grandma will understand if you leave.”

“I’m being selfish.” Eddie said. 

“No you’re not. You watched your wife die. It’s okay if this is hard for you. When you’re ready to talk just call me.” Buck said. 

“Okay.” 

He put his phone back in his pocket. He was already feeling better, although he didn’t stay for the rest of the funeral service. He walked out of the church and started walking back home. Buck was right, abuela would understand why, and her opinion was the only one that mattered at the moment. 

_His sister Cat was holding a bag of peas to his face as his mother was pacing in the living room._

_“Shit Cat, that hurts.” He said too loudly._

_“Edmundo watch your language!” His father said sternly._

_“Sorry.” He responded and shrugged his shoulders._

_“This is happening too often. It is not okay! What do you mean there needs to be more evidence?! My son is coming home from school with cuts and bruises. A kid shoved his face into a locker today! Fuck you!” She angrily hung up the phone._

_“Language mom.” Cat said sarcastically._

_“What did the principal say?” His father asked._

_“They can’t do anything about it, the police department isn’t much help either.”_

_“I already told both of you that months ago. I’m graduating next month anyways it’s not going to matter.” He said nonchalantly._

_“I’m concerned because this came out of nowhere.” His mother said._

_“Have you always been bullied?” His father asked._

_Cat looked at him and then at her father, his sisters were the only ones that knew about Alex._

_“Catalina is there something you’re not telling me?” His father said._

_“It’s nothing.” She said._

_“There actually is a reason.” He figured it was time to tell them._

_“Eddie you don’t have to tell them right now.” Cat said._

_“Tell us what?” His father asked._

_“This is happening because I’m with Alex.”_

_“Alex, the girl that asked you to prom?” His mother said._

_“No not Alexandria, Alejandro. I’m dating him.” He wasn’t sure where the courage to tell his parents was coming from but it felt relieving; only for that relief to go away when he noticed their dead silence._

_“Alex as in your friend Alex?” His mother asked._

_“Yes, him.” The small amount of hope that he was holding onto was dwindling when he realized his parents weren’t going to accept him._

_“Mijo are you sure you’r-”_

_“I knew neither of you were going to okay with this.” He said angrily. He stormed out of the house and ran to a nearby field, the field were he would go to, to avoid how terrible his life. Coincidentally, Alex was there staring at the sunset._

_“Rough day at your parents?” Eddie asked._

_“Yeah, as always.” He said._

_“Well I’m actually glad you’re here.” He felt better just by talking to him._

_“I’m actually here because I was debating whether or not I should talk to you.”_

_“About?”_

_“We can’t be together anymore.” Alex said._

_His heart shattered into pieces. They had already planned out the rest of their college lives together this couldn’t be._

_“Is it something I did?” He asked._

_“You didn’t do anything wrong. This just isn’t going to work out. My parents don’t accept this, they never will, and we are both constantly getting beat up. I hope you understand. I should go back home.” He put his hand on his shoulder and gave him one last kiss._

_Eddie stood in the middle of the field for what felt like hours. He actually did understand why it wouldn’t work out, both of them had different career paths. Maybe it would have never worked out between them but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Alex actually understood him and now he was gone._

He waited around at his parent’s house until everyone started showing up, he was surprised when his parents didn’t give him shit about skipping out on the funeral. He greeted a few family members until he met a distant uncle who refused to shake his hand. 

“I’m not going to touch his hand because he is one of those!” His uncle said to loudly. 

“I’m not going to put up with your shit.” He said through gritted teeth. 

He walked out of the house and went to what was his favorite spot, the field nearby. Despite the fact that he dealt with his first heartbreak at that field he always felt much better being away from everyone. 

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you.” A familiar voice said to him. 

“Did you follow me here Alejandro?” He couldn’t believe it. 

“Alejandro? So now you don’t know me?” Alex said. 

“Not really, I mean I haven’t spoken to you in nearly 15 years. I hardly know you.” 

“Yeah it’s too bad we lost contact. I just wanted to see how you’re doing.” Alex said.

“I’m fine, except my wife died, but other than that everything is fine.” _Except I’m in love with my best friend._

“I heard about that, I’m so sorry. My parents told me you work for the fire department in LA.” 

“Yeah, I love it. I’m not planning on coming back here.” He said. He finally looked back and noticed a ring on his finger. “You got married?” He asked.

“Um yeah, my husband and I have been married for about two years.” He lovingly looked at his wedding ring. 

“Your parents finally accepted that you’re gay?” Eddie asked out of curiosity. 

“Sort of, they still can’t believe their son is married to a man. I’ve learned to not care what family members think.” He sighed. “What about you, have you found anyone?” Alex asked.

“I have. I can’t wait to get back home to tell him I love him.” He realized that was the first time he ever told someone how he felt about Buck. His heart fluttered at the thought of him expressing his love towards him. 

“That’s great, well it was nice talking to you, I’ve gotta go.” He put his hand on his shoulder like he did 15 years ago, except this time it gave him the closure he needed. He lied down on the grass and watched the sunset across the horizon. He couldn’t wait to speak to Buck and Christopher later in the day. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :) I appreciate any feedback.  
> Most chapter titles are song titles.  
> Eddie finally gets to see Buck in the next chapter.


	4. Cuz I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie finally has a heart to heart with his father. After flying back to Los Angeles, Eddie tries to figure out how he's going to tell Buck the truth about his feelings.

Eddie did not stay locked up in his old childhood room after he walked back home from the field. He decided to stay and socialize with family members he hasn’t seen in years and honestly it felt great despite the awful circumstances. When he noticed how late it was getting, he stepped out and called Buck.  _ I have so much to say to you.  _

“Hey, I was wondering when you were going to call.”

“Yeah sorry, it was a busy day. I was just now able to step out to call you.” He bit his bottom lip. If he was getting nervous just speaking to him on the phone, how was he going to keep it together when he gets to see Buck after the long weekend? 

“You haven’t been responding to my texts either.” Buck said. 

“Like I said, it’s been busy.” 

“Is there something else going on? Did you get into a fight with your parents?” 

“No! It’s just that a lot happened, I’ll talk about it when I get home.” He was able to play that off well but now he had to think about when he would tell him. “Can I talk to Christopher?” 

“Sorry man, Christopher is asleep, I don’t want to wake him.” 

“Damn it. Well I’ll call tomorrow morning before I leave then.” He felt guilty. He hasn’t spoken to his son since yesterday. 

“Don’t feel bad about it. You’ve had a busy day. I’ll let you go socialize with your family.” He joked.

He stared at his phone after Buck hung up. He was head over heels in love with him and he didn’t even know if Buck felt the same way about him. He was starting to feel anxious again. 

He wasn’t sure what time it was but after what seemed like hours, he was almost done picking up all the trash around the house. He was helping out his father but they haven’t spoken a word to each other.  _ Good, because whenever we talk it always turns into an argument. _ After he had finished cleaning he started heading towards his room but his father stopped him. 

“Are you going to bed?” 

“Yeah, it’s late and I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”  _ Please don’t ask me about the funeral.  _

“I feel like I didn’t get to talk to you.” He was sitting in  _ that  _ chair. The chair where he disapproved of his relationship with Alex. 

“Maybe it’s better that way.” He said bitterly. 

“Edmundo…” 

“If this is about me skipping the funeral, I don’t want to hear it.” 

“No it isn’t. I understand why you didn’t go.” He said. 

“That’s all you wanted to say to me?” 

“Abuela tells me that your firefighter friend helps you out a lot.”

“He does.” Eddie started to feel frustrated. His father was going to ask him if they were dating. “Where are you going with this apa?” 

“Are you with him?” He asked.

“If I was would that be a problem?” He crossed his arms and glared at him. 

“No. I’m just glad he makes you happy.”

“Thank you.” The person he least expected to accept him had changed his ways and it made him feel relieved, he felt so content he could break down in tears. He didn’t want to hide it from his parents. He wanted Buck to meet his parents and he could imagine them loving him, now it was more realistic and not just some daydream. 

The flight back to Los Angeles was uneventful. He said goodbye to his family in Texas and promised he wouldn’t stay away for too long. He felt alleviated when he saw Buck and Christopher waving at him in the terminal. He couldn’t help but run up to his son to hug him. He hugged Buck and he could feel the tightness in his chest right after. He wanted to tell him right then and there, but he didn’t. The drive back to his house was quiet, it was just what he needed after all the revelations he had over the weekend. Before he jumped out of Buck’s jeep Buck asked him to go to the bar with him the next night. 

“Hey before you jump out of my car, the 118 is doing a get together at Chim’s favorite karaoke bar. I know you probably just want to rest b-”

“When?” He asked. 

“Tomorrow night.” 

_ Yes! Of course I will go spend time with you tomorrow night, but I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. _ He didn’t have a babysitter. “I’d love to but I just got back and I don’t think Carla would be able to babysit tomorrow night on such short notice.” 

“Yes she will dad. Remember she said she can always help you.” Christopher responded.

_ Damn it. _ It’s not that he didn’t want to hang out with Buck, it’s that he couldn’t find a way to act normal around him.

“See there you go.” Buck raised an eyebrow at him, as if he saw through his dishonesty. 

“Well then I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” He quickly jumped out of his car and pulled Christopher out of the backseat.

“Daddy, why are you acting weird around Buck?” Christopher asked as they were walking to the front door. 

“I think Buck’s awful cooking over the weekend really got to you didn’t it?” He said trying to change the subject. His own son was onto him.

“I liked his mac and cheese.” 

“That’s good to hear Bud.” 

After such an emotionally draining weekend, it felt amazing to be back in Los Angeles with his son.  _ This is my home. _

Eddie was nearly counting down the minutes as he was waiting for Buck to pick him up. He figured today would be the day to tell him he is in love with him. He was dressed maybe a little too nice for a casual night out with the team but he was hoping that maybe they would do dinner before heading to the bar. When Buck finally arrived he was disappointed when he opened the front door and saw Ally. 

“Oh um hi.” He said awkwardly. 

“Sorry man, you’re going to have to sit in the back.” Buck said to him. 

He silently nodded his head and nearly sulked his way to the back seat. This couldn’t be happening. He was foolish enough to think that Buck would even have any sort of romantic interest, and of course he had to bring along his ex girlfriend or maybe now his girlfriend again.  _ You’re jumping to conclusions.  _ He tried to reassure himself but there was no bright side to it. 

It was much worse at the bar, Buck was laughing and talking to Ally and he was sulking, drinking beer and sitting by himself. He wasn’t jumping to conclusions. He was probably dating Ally again. 

“What’s with the long face?” Chim startled him.

“I don’t think this is my thing.” 

“That’s a lie. You love this bar almost as much as I do.” Chim pulled up a chair and sat next to him. “I wouldn’t make assumptions about that.” 

“About what?” 

“Buck and Ally.” Chim said.

“Why would I make assumptions? It’s his life, I don’t care.” Was he really that obvious? 

“But you do care. I think you need to be a little bit more honest with Buck about how you feel.” Chim patted him on the shoulder and walked off. 

He couldn’t be that obvious could he? He was such an idiot for even falling in love with his best friend. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback I appreciate it a lot! Please make sure to leave a comment :)


	5. Make Me Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie starts to realize that everyone knows but oblivious Buck. He then finds out why Ally was with Buck the night before.

His heading was pounding at work, which he found odd because normally drinking two beers wouldn’t give him a hangover but here he was at work, sitting on the couch, upset because Buck had a girlfriend, and with a possible hangover. _I think you need to be a little bit more honest with Buck about how you feel._ It kept replaying in his head over and over again. If it was obvious to Chim did that mean everyone else knew about it, including Bobby? Were they just pretending to be oblivious? What if Buck knew too and he just didn’t want to say anything to him? His palms were getting warm and sweaty at the thought of Buck not reciprocating the same feelings towards him. He really needed to be honest. Maybe he needed to visit his therapist again.

“What’s wrong with you?” Hen asked him. 

He didn’t even notice that she was in the kitchen having a casual conversation with Athena. 

“It’s nothing.” He shrugged. Chim wouldn’t tell them would he? 

“You seemed distant at the bar yesterday.” Athena mentioned. 

“I was just jetlagged.”

“And your jetlagged today?” Hen raised an eyebrow at him.

“I’m going to go clean the fire truck.” He jumped up but it was too late. They were on to him. 

“I think he’s upset about Buck.” He heard Hen say to Athena as he walked downstairs. _Great!_ He thought to himself as he saw Chim already cleaning the truck. He just wanted to be alone now that he knows that everyone _knows_. He just needed to stoic. 

“Need a hand with that?” Eddie asked. 

“I didn’t tell them if that’s what you’re really trying to ask me.” 

“How did you know?” It felt freeing to at least say that out loud.

“It’s obvious Eddie. I think Buck is the only one who doesn’t know.” He was rolling up one of the hoses. “Even Cap knows.” He chuckled. “Cap was actually the first one that pointed it out. Then Maddie brought it up to me and we’ve just been waiting.” 

“So what do I do?” 

“Just be honest with him.” Hen said. 

“Have you been listening this whole time?” Eddie asked.

“Yeah.” She responded, she walked up to talk to him. “You’re never going to know if you don’t throw yourself out there.” 

“Well it’s too late, he’s back with Ally.” 

“He’s not back with Ally, where did you even get that from?” Hen asked him. 

Chim rubbed his palm against his face in frustration. 

“Then what was she doing at the bar with him yesterday?” He said defensively. 

“She had a few things to pick up at Buck’s apartment, she heard him talking on the phone about going to the bar and asked if she could tag along, Buck felt bad saying no.” 

“He told you all of this?” 

“Well this is why you should talk to him.” Hen said. 

The alarm went off and everyone started to put their equipment on except him, because he saw Buck running to put his equipment on and it made him realize that he wanted Buck to be in his life forever. He couldn’t imagine his life without him. Bobby must’ve noticed something was wrong. 

“Eddie you can sit this one out.” He felt him grasp his shoulder but all his focus was on the fact that he felt his stomach turn into knots and his face felt flushed. 

“Thanks Cap.” He managed to say as he slowly walked back upstairs, feeling like a teenager with a crush. 

_He was 23 and he couldn’t believe he was still nervous around his parents. He wasn’t sure why he craved their approval. They were never going to be happy, but he knew that they would be upset about the news he was going to tell them. He only had the weekend with them and then he would head back to Afghanistan._

_“I have some news for both of you.” He said as they were all quitely drinking coffee in the morning._

_They both looked in his direction. He was grateful his sisters weren’t awake yet , because it was going to get ugly._

_“Shannon and I are getting married.”_

_“That’s great mijo.” His dad said._

_“Great? Ramon he’s only 23. Eddie I don’t think this is a great idea, you’re never home. I knew joining the army was a bad idea.”_

_“It’s better than being with Alejandro.”_

_He saw red instantly. His father was never going to let it go. “So you don’t care that I’m getting married young as long as I’m not with a man?” He questioned him._

_“Yes that’s what I’m saying.”_

_“That’s not what he really means Eddie.” His mother pleaded._

_“No it’s exactly what he means. Why can’t you understand that I like both men and women? Why is that so hard for you?!”_

_“Eddie you don’t mean that.” His mom said._

_His parents were so close minded. His mother tried but when it came to his bisexuality she couldn’t accept it. They both thought that he just went through a phase but they didn’t know Alex was always on his mind. He was about to disappoint them even more. “Shannon is pregnant. Congratulations you’re going to be grandparents.” That was the first time he said it out loud and it was becoming real._

_“Edmundo, you’re not married”_

_“I agree with your father. You’re too young, is this why you're getting married?”_

_“I don’t even get a congratulations?” He felt numb._

_“I can’t congratulate you when I know you’re not ready to be a parent.” His mother said._

_“Why do I even bother visiting? Nothing I do will ever make either of you happy.”_

He felt someone shaking him awake. 

“Eddie, it’s time to go home. Wake up.” 

Buck was waking him up. He had fallen asleep on the couch at work. 

“How long was I asleep for?” He asked

“For the majority of the shift.” 

They walked to the locker room and changed. They both walked out together to their cars. 

“Are you mad at me?” Buck asked him. 

“No, why would I be mad at you?” He responded, surprised by his assumption. 

“You’ve just been acting weird and we hardly talked yesterday and today.” 

Shit he knew. “I have? I haven’t been feeling that well. I’ll make it up to you. What about pizza at my place tonight?” He asked. 

“You know I’m always down to spend time with you and Christopher.” He smiled at him. 

They both walked to their cars and headed to his house.  
  


  
  
  



	6. Sure Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie invites Buck over for Valentine's Day and they reveal their pasts to each other.

Eddie impatiently paced around his kitchen. He looked at two boxes of pizza sitting on the counter. It was 10 PM and Buck was supposed to originally be there at 8. He wouldn’t feel nervous on any other day but it was Valentine’s Day and he wanted to do something special except Buck still didn’t know the truth and he wasn’t planning on telling him, but him being two hours late had him on edge. It was supposed to be another boy’s night but Christopher ended up falling asleep. He heard the door knob turn. 

“Sorry I’m late, I had to go on a last minute call.” Buck said as he walked into the kitchen. 

“Why didn’t you let me know? Christopher was waiting for you. He thought you bailed.” Maybe he came across as being too agitated. 

“I’m sorry man. I had a last minute call I couldn’t just pull out my phone and call you.” 

“Well he went to bed disappointed.” 

“Why are you getting pissed? I thought you would understand.” 

He relaxed a bit. He really didn’t mean to seem angry at him, but when it had to do with Christopher he was always more defensive. 

“Sorry. I just hate seeing Christopher so upset. I didn’t mean to snap at you, I’ve just been stressed lately.” He took out two plates from the cupboard and handed one to Buck.

“What’s going on? You have been acting weird lately.” Buck mentioned.

_ It’s because I can’t tell you how I feel. _ “It’s nothing.” He lied. 

Buck shrugged his shoulders and they both started grabbing pizza slices. 

Two hours later, Eddie was feeling a good buzz and was being a little too honest with Buck. They both had brought up the fact that they didn’t have the best relationship with their parents and then Buck asked the question that would change everything. 

“Your parents were mad at you because you joined the military?” Buck asked. 

“Pretty much. Nothing I did was ever good enough. They were mad I quit soccer, they were mad I had a boyfriend, they were mad I was too young when I got married.” He quickly realized what he had said and looked to see if Buck noticed but he didn't seem to have a reaction to it.

“My dad is the same except I never made amends with him. He refused to talk to me for the same reason.” He said casually. 

“I didn’t know you joined the military.” Eddie responded. 

“No, my dad wasn’t mad I joined the military. He was mad because he caught me with some guy.”

He wasn't sure why he was surprised at Buck's confession, but he felt for him.

“I’m sorry your dad can’t accept you.” Was all Eddie could say. He couldn’t imagine how hard it must’ve been for Buck growing up without much support. 

“It’s okay, I’ve moved on from it. I have you, Christopher, and, Maddie. That’s all that matters.”

Eddie just nodded but he didn’t say anything back. He couldn't say anything back. At least his parents are accepting now. Buck's parents were never going to accept him. They both quietly went back to drinking their beer and eating more pizza but everything felt more tense. He couldn't find a way to start up a conversation, but then luckily Buck out of nowhere walked closer to him., and was standing too close to him. It started to make his ears pound from how nervous it made him.

“I bet I can beat you at GoCart right now.” Buck said. 

“I’d like to see you try.” Eddie smirked. 

“I’ll wipe that smirk off your face.” Buck teased.

“Well then do it.”

Buck leaned in closer and he felt their lips touch. Eddie felt shocked and quickly pulled back. Buck bit his bottom lip. “I-I thought this is what you wanted.”

Eddie pulled him close and kissed him back. He didn’t want it to end, all he could think about was how idiotic he has been this whole time, Buck liked him back and he just doubted it. All that mattered now was the fact that they were kissing in the kitchen and how he wanted more but he wasn’t going to push for it. When they both pulled away, Buck smiled at him. 

“Happy Valentines Day.” 

  
He could never get tired of him.   
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Ready or Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie's Valentines Day plans were just a dream, when he remembers that Buck never showed up to his house. Eddie goes to work feeling hurt and must deal with his feelings.

Eddie woke up in a cold sweat. As he became more aware he remembered what had happened the night before. He was drinking beer waiting for Buck to show up and he didn’t, that made him upset and he went to bed. The kiss was a dream. It never happened but he wished it had, he wished he had the courage to make a move, he was foolish to think that a typical boys night at his house would be romantic. 

Then there was the aspect of Buck not showing up, which was not surprising he was tied up at work and was probably exhausted, but that didn’t stop him from over analyzing and feeling hurt.  _ I shouldn’t be mad.  _ Except he was mad, he was mad that his best friend stood him up, he was mad that he made elaborate plans to finally admit his feelings for him and he was waiting around for hours.  _ We aren’t dating, I can’t be angry at him.  _ Except he was. He hasn’t been this upset at him since the lawsuit. 

He nearly dragged his feet on his way to work. His phone buzzed just as he was getting off his truck.

_ Hey man, sorry about last night. I was exhausted after work. How about a raincheck? _

He rolled his eyes and put his phone on silent. He walked in and saw Buck on his phone. 

“Oh hey I just sent you a text.” Buck walked up to him. 

“Oh I didn’t notice. I don’t have time to talk, it’s going to be a busy day.” He walked off. He could feel eyes on him. 

“What did you do Buck?” Chim asked. 

Was he overreacting? Maybe. Buck could have had the decency to just text him and tell him he wasn’t going to show up, he wouldn’t have wasted so much time thinking about what he was going to say to him. 

The good thing was that he was right, it was a busy day at work, it was so busy he didn’t have time to talk to anyone and by the time everyone’s shift ended, he was too tired to care. 

“Do you want to do something tonight? You know, to make up for last night?” Buck asked him in the locker room. 

“Can’t. I’m busy after work.” He said curtly. 

He could feel Buck’s gaze on him. “Did I do something wrong?” Buck asked. 

“I don’t know, you can figure it out though.” He responded.

“This isn’t about the lawsuit is it?” I th-”

“No this isn’t about the damn lawsuit!” He snapped. “How hard is it to send one simple text message, saying that you can’t make it?!” 

“I was tied up at work, you out of all people should understand this Eddie.” 

“You’re unreliable. I just can’t trust you.” He stomped off. As he walked out of the locker room he bumped into Hen. 

“Sorry.” He mumbled. 

“A little harsh there Eddie.” Hen said. 

“I’m not being harsh.” 

“It’s not like it’s his fault it was busy at the station yesterday. I would think you would understand.” 

“I don’t understand. This is just typical of Buck to blow people off.” 

“He didn’t blow you off. Eddie, I think you really need to tell him how you feel.”

“I know I do. I’m just mad. I planned this whole thing out just for him to not show up.” 

“Which is why you need to tell him soon. He’s not going to understand why you’re upset  unless he knows.” Hen said. 

“Thanks.” He walked off. 

He felt guilty of course. It really wasn’t Buck’s fault he didn’t show up. He did understand why, it gets busy at work and they’re not always going to get off work on time. He couldn’t expect Buck to understand because he doesn’t know the truth. Hen was right he had to tell him soon, but first he had to apologize to him. He was still sitting in his truck. His hands were tight around his steering wheel to the point that his knuckles looked white. _Fuck it._ It’s now or never. He walked back into the station. Luckily everyone was upstairs. He walked into the locker room hoping Buck would be there, and he was. He was sitting at the bench staring at his locker.

“Buck.” He said out loud. 

“I thought you had to go.” He didn’t look at him. 

“I can’t go home, at least not before I apologize. I’m sorry. I’ve been acting like a complete asshole. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you over last night.” 

“I understand though. If I was in that situation, I would be mad too.” 

“You would?” 

“Eddie, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

“Okay?” He could feel his face getting flushed. 

“I don’t know if you feel the same way, but I’ve had feelings for you for a really long time, and I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. Everyone thinks we’re dating and I want that to be real. I want to be with you.” 

“You do?” Was all he managed to say.

“I’m sorry I just dropped that on you. I just had to get it off my chest.” Buck was looking down. 

“I feel the same way about you, and at first I thought it was just some crush but I can’t get over you Buck.” 

They leaned in to kiss but were interrupted by Chim’s voice. 

“I thought both of you left already.” Chim asked. 

“I’m getting ready to head out, I just forgot something.” Eddie said. 

Chim looked at both of them. “Uh huh.” He walked out. 

“We can’t do this at work.” Eddie said to Buck. “Can we talk about this later?” He asked him. 

“I would love to.” Buck said.

They both walked out to their cars without saying a word to each other, but Eddie didn’t want to wait to talk about their feelings over dinner. He wanted it now. As soon as Buck started pulling out his key, Eddie pushed him against the car. 

“I really don’t want to wait another day for this.” He leaned in and kissed him. He felt Buck’s lips touch his and it was as if he was floating away. He hasn’t felt this way about someone in years. 

“Dinner tomorrow night?” Buck asked him after they pulled away from each other. 

“Sounds like a date.”Eddie responded. His heart fluttered at the thought of being on a date, with his best friend. It actually happened. They actually kissed and it wasn’t a dream. Things could only get better.

  
  
  


  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your kind comments. I'm sorry about the wait on this chapter, I was super busy last month.


	8. In Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck knows he's in love with Eddie but he can't bring himself to tell him out of fear that it will ruin what they already have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters are going to be from Buck's point of view as it leads up to their first kiss. I'm sorry about the wait, it was a crazy month.

Buck was at Maddie’s house but he wasn’t really there. He could hear Maddie’s voice but he couldn’t actually hear the conversation. To someone that doesn’t know him, he probably looks bored out of his mind but he isn’t bored. He just can’t stop thinking about Eddie. He’s been doing that a lot. 

“Buck? Are you okay?” Maddie asked him. 

“Yeah I’m fine.” His sister knew him too well to just continue with whatever she was talking about. 

“Doesn’t seem like it. You’ve been doing that a lot lately.” 

“Doing what?” 

“You just space out, what are you in love?” She joked. 

_It’s not that._ He must’ve not hid his reaction well because she immediately frowned and apologized. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by that. I just worry about you.”

“I-.” his voice was shaking. “I’ve been t-worried about Eddie lately.” He said. 

“Oh.” 

“Oh? You wanted to know and I told you.”

“Evan you’re not worried about him, you’re just thinking about him, a lot obviously.” She took a sip from her wine glass. 

“I’m not thinking about him. I just get concerned.” Maddie knew better than to question him when it came to Eddie. “I’m not in love with him if that’s what you’re implying.” He said defensively. 

“I know you well enough to know when you’re lying. You’re lying to yourself right now.” 

“I’m not.” 

“Okay. I’m not going to push you on this. I’ll let you realize it on your own.” She said.

“Realize what Maddie? There is nothing for me to realize. He’s just a friend.” 

“Think about this way, and just listen to me, don’t interrupt me.” She sighed. “You’re friends with everyone else on the 118 right?” 

Buck nodded his head. 

“Well everyone hangs out outside of work but you and Eddie don’t have the same relationship. You do realize this? It’s almost like you two are dating but you aren’t.” She bit her bottom lip, hoping she didn’t overstep a boundary. 

“I have to go home.” He stood up and left. _What kind of idiot gets feelings for his best friend._ Yes had already come to terms with it a long time ago. He was attracted to him the moment he saw him putting on a shirt in the locker room. The problem was that Eddie didn’t feel the same way about him. There was no point in telling anyone about it. Besides, he was glad to be in Eddie’s life even if that meant as a friend. When he arrived at his apartment he sent Maddie a text.

_Is it that obvious?_

His phone buzzed. He was almost afraid to look at her response. 

_Yes. Buck, everyone knows at this point but you two. Just talk to him._

_He isn’t into men._

_You don’t know that._

_He just isn’t. I know him._

_You won’t know unless you’re honest with him._

_Goodnight._

Eddie can’t know. As much as Maddie thinks it’s a good idea, it isn’t. This secret would break their friendship apart and he isn’t sure if he can live without having him and Christopher in his life. Maybe he could start talking to Ally. He changed and went to bed. As he was closing his eyes, he could see him smiling at him and laughing at his ridiculous jokes that no one but him finds funny. It would be okay as long as Eddie doesn’t find out. 

He felt insecure every single time he interacted with him. Ever since Maddie pointed out how obvious he was he couldn’t help but notice the crew staring at them when they would talk or when they would lean against each other a little too much. He must’ve been too worried about it because Eddie didn’t talk to him that much until they were all leaving. 

“Is everything okay Buck?” Eddie asked him as they walked to their cars. 

“Yeah everything is fine.” He said. 

“You were acting weird today.” 

“I was being my usual self.” His stomach turned. Does Eddie know? 

“Come on, you were acting weird! Every single time I talked to you, you would look over at Bobby or at Hen.” 

“No I wasn’t.” He lied.

“Yes you were.” Eddie rolled his eyes at him. “Whatever. I need to go pick up Christopher. Pizza night is still on though right?” 

“I can’t do pizza today, sorry. I should’ve told you earlier but something came up.” 

“Next time then.” Eddie said. 

Buck just nodded his head hoping he sounded convincing enough. He waited for Eddie to leave to pull his phone out to call his sister. 

“Did you talk to him?” Maddie asked.

“Why did you tell me everyone knows? I can’t even talk to him at work without seeing someone else staring at us.” 

“I’m going to take that as a no.” 

“I lied to him and told him I couldn’t do pizza night.” He panicked. 

“Just take your time with this. I didn’t tell you to confess your love to him right away. I know this is hard for you." 

"I mean what kind of idiot falls for their friend? The last time I did this, I had my heart broken." He confessed.

"Just because this happened to you before it doesn't mean it's going to happen again with him." 

"I don't know." 

"Evan. You're not one that can just hide your feelings. He's going to find out." 

"No he won't. I'll just text Ally." 

"Ugh. Whatever. You'll realize this on your own." Maddie said. 

"I hope so. I have to go." He just stared at his phone. His wallpaper was a picture of Christopher. He actually did need to text Ally. They broke up nearly a year ago and some of her clothes were still at his apartment. He had been putting it off for so long but he knew eventually he would need to tell her or she would show up asking for it back. 

When he arrived at his apartment he was surprised that the door wasn't locked. He never forgets to lock the door, and that meant that either someone broke in or Eddie was inside. Except Eddie would never go over to his place when he isn't there and he was supposed to be at his house with Christopher. He quietly opened the door and felt semi shocked when he saw Eddie in his kitchen biting into a slice of pizza. 

"It's been that rough of a night?" Buck said. 

"That obvious?" He opened his fridge and pulled out two beers. 

"None for me. I have to babysit tomorrow and you have a date. I thought you were doing pizza night at your house." He hoped Eddie didn't notice his bitter tone at the dating question. For a moment, he worried that Eddie may have caught him in a lie.

"Yeah about that, I don't think I'm going to go." 

"I think you should." _God damn it Buck why are you encouraging him._ "You've been acting weird ever since you came back from Texas." He blurted. He hardly noticed that he didn't answer him about pizza night.

"Enough about me.” Eddie responded. 

“C’mon man, you shouldn’t feel bad about dating.” He hated doing this. 

“It just doesn’t feel right. I just can’t right now.” 

Buck chose not to ask why. He knew Eddie well enough and that meant not pushing him when he’s closed off from his feelings. He would talk about it when he’s ready. They quietly sat and ate their dinner. It felt off. 

It’s been off for a while. Eddie was completely oblivious of Buck’s feelings. He probably didn’t even feel the same way. Was he ever going to love someone the way he loves Eddie? No he doesn’t think so. He’s content with what they have at the moment but he knows eventually his friend was going to start dating. _Sorry Maddie but he can’t know for the sake of our friendship._ He’d rather have him in his life as a friend then not at all. 


	9. Daydream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck spends the majority of Valentine's Day day-dreaming about the possibilities, he realizes at the end of the night that he blew Eddie off by accident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this chapter is from Buck's POV. I decided to throw in the theory that Bobby always knows. I've always wanted to know what Buck was up to before he joined the 118 so I wrote a little bit about his time in South America as a bartender.

_South America 2015_

_It was summer, Buck had originally planned to stay just for three months but he was enjoying it so much that he didn’t want to go back to Pennsylvania. It’s not like his parents missed him. It’s not like his parents even cared that he wasn’t there. Why did he get stuck with shitty parents anyways? He left because he felt like he didn’t have anyone. Maddie ran off and married Doug and she cut off contact with him. He knew it was Doug that was making her do that but he couldn’t do much._

_He wasn’t making much money bartending but he wanted to get traveling out of the way before joining the SEALS. He also had another not so secret life in Argentina. Countless flings with both men and women but a man he met at the bar at the beginning of summer caught his eye and now it made him want to stay. He was an American expat who had been living in Argentina since graduating from high school. His name was Sean._

_“Are you sure about this Navy SEALS thing?” Sean had asked him one night._

_“Not really. I just have nowhere else to go and I can’t go back to Pennsylvania. So LA it is.”_

_“And it has to be LA? Why can’t you stay here? You can stay at my place.” Sean suggested._

_“Sean this was only a temporary plan. I just had to get away from my parents.”_

_“Well what about me?”_

_“I-I didn’t think we were at that point in our relationship.” He admitted. He had feelings for Sean but he wasn’t in love with him._

_“You’re just going to leave then?”_

_“I’m sorry.” Buck said apologetically._

_“At least keep in touch alright?” Sean smiled at him and gave him a kiss._

_“I’ll try.”_

_“I wish you the best.” He stood up and left him alone at the beach._

_He was alone again._

Buck knows that his codependency with Eddie is becoming unhealthy. Chim had called him out on it on game night but he knew before that, he just needed to hear it from someone else. He lost yet another game of cards when he suddenly brought up Eddie. 

“Is it okay if I invite Eddie next time?” Buck asked as he was pulling out his phone to text him. When he looked up he noticed that Maddie and Chim were giving each other a look. “What?!” He said. 

“It’s nothing.” Maddie responded.

“That look wasn’t nothing.” 

“It’s just that… you and Eddie always spend time together.” Chim responded. 

“He’s my best friend. Am I not supposed to hang out with my friend?” He felt himself getting defensive once again. 

“There’s nothing wrong with that. I just shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry.” Chim looked down. 

“What were you going to say?” Buck asked. 

“Maybe it’s unhealthy how much both of you rely on each other. Look I just don’t think either of you are being honest with yourselves about your relationship.” 

“Your my friend and we hang out out-” 

“Buck you know it’s not the same thing.” Chim paused. “The lawsuit made it pretty clear how you and Eddie feel about each other.” 

“He doesn’t like me like that.” Buck said. 

“You won’t know unless you ask.” 

“Thanks for the advice Chim, but that’s not happening.” 

They went back to their game night but Buck couldn’t stop thinking about what Chim told him. The lawsuit changed a lot of things but he had developed feelings for Eddie long before that.

He dated Ally but it was a one way relationship. Even when he was with her he couldn’t stop thinking about him. He even felt jealous when he reunited with Shannon. He was fucked. For a moment there he thought he could be okay being single, even after Abby left but then he walked into his life and now he was finding it hard to even spend one day without talking to him or seeing him. 

It’s Valentine’s Day but Buck isn’t having a great day. Eddie’s off work but he’s stuck at work and it’s as if the whole world is upside down. He can’t focus. All he can think about is him. He sat at the table day-dreaming about the many possibilities about how tonight could go but he knows it’s going to be the same. It’s just going to end up as two friends hanging out. 

“Buck...” he can hear someone say his name but he is still imagining a different life. Courageous Buck would have asked Eddie out months ago and they would be happily together spending their first Valentine’s Day together. 

“Buck!” It’s Bobby. He looks at him and sees the frustration on his face. 

“Yeah?” He asks. 

“I need to see you in my office.” 

“Okay.” He saw Hen and Chim laughing at him, but he didn’t have the energy to make a smart ass remark at them. 

It felt strange being in Bobby’s office. He hasn’t been there in years, not since he first started. 

“I’m sure you know why I’m calling you into the office. I normally don’t like to do this but I figured you wanted some privacy to talk.” 

“Privacy to talk about what?” He felt lethargic. 

“Buck, you’ve been acting strange lately. You haven’t been yourself. As your captain I have to suggest seeing a therapist again. As your friend, I know this is about Eddie.” Of course Bobby would know. Bobby always knows. 

“Eddie has nothing to do with my behavior cap. Who even put you up to this? Was it Hen and Chim?” He had a point. His behavior is dangerous in the type of job he has. He can’t work while being distracted over a damn crush. 

“Eddie has everything to do about this. The team didn’t put me up to this. I’ve had a feeling about you two for a while.” Bobby said.

“Bobby.” He nearly pleaded. “Please don’t put us in different departments. I promise I’ll get over this. I don’t care if you suspend me, just don’t separate us.” He sounds too desperate. 

Bobby smiled at him. “Son, I’m not going to separate you two. Whenever it happens you two just need to let me know to sign the paperwork.” 

“It’s not going to happen.” 

“I told you years ago that you needed to see Abby’s side of what she was going through, you did that and you’ve done that for Eddie. You’ll figure it out.” Bobby said. 

Before he could even respond the bell rang and they ran out to the fire truck. 

He was on nearly every single call, that he completely forgot about the night he planned with Eddie. It wasn’t until he lied down in his bed and saw the last text message he received from him. 

_Haha. See you tonight then._

He sat up. _Oh shit. Oh shit!_ He fucked up. He stood him up. It’s not that he did it on purpose but any other person would’ve sent a text or called and he did neither. They’re both supposed to be at work tomorrow and now he has to deal with the possibility of Eddie being mad at him again. _He can’t be mad if he doesn’t think of you in that way._ He thought about what Chim told him. The argument they had at the store replayed in his head. 

_“Why are you so pissed at me?”_

_“Because you’re exhausting!”_

It started to click, why was Eddie even that upset with him. _He just missed his friend._ He could imagine telling him he loves him.

_“I love you so much I feel like I’m going to fall apart just thinking about not being with you for the rest of my life. “ Buck said._

_“I love you. I can’t even begin to explain how much it was hurting not being able to tell you.” Eddie said to him._

Day-dreaming had him feeling a little bit too hopeful, but maybe, just maybe they were on the same page about each other.

  
  



	10. Cool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck tries to speak to Eddie about Valentine's Day but he keeps getting interrupted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter from Buck's POV for a while. After this it will go back to Eddie's POV, then there will be a 2 week time jump and then a 2 year one.

_November_ _2019_

_Buck could feel his heart pounding. He couldn’t stop thinking about the night before. He had never behaved so boldly towards someone he liked. It almost seemed like something Buck 1.0 would do. He admitted to himself the year prior that he had a crush on Eddie, but now it was beyond that. They have a deep connection with each other, something he didn’t even have with Abby._

_If Christopher wasn’t over at his apartment, maybe he would have asked him or kissed him, but now he was feeling doubtful that Eddie even felt the same way. His worst fear was Eddie reacting negatively towards him that he would never see him and Christopher ever again. The thought of ever losing touch and communication with either of them hurts. He loves them too much to ruin what they have now._

Work feels tense. He could tell Eddie is upset. He tried talking to him first thing in the morning and his response was cold. He sent him a text message but he knows that won’t suffice. He was sitting in the locker room by himself and rubbed his eyes. 

“Rough night?” Chim asked. 

“Worse.” Buck answered. 

“Let me guess Eddie’s pissed off?” 

“I blew him off yesterday. We had planned a pizza night over at his house and I forgot about it.” 

“Buck…” 

“I screwed up again.” 

“Buck, I think you’re overthinking this. Eddie out of all people should understand. A friend wouldn’t get mad over something so simple.” 

“What are you trying to say?” Buck asked. 

“I’m saying you need to see the signs. It’s obvious. You were the first to point out my feelings for your sister. I’m doing the same to you.” Chim patted him on the shoulder. “I think you should go for it.” 

Just as he was about to question him, the bell rang and they were off to their first call of their shift. He spent the majority of his shift thinking about ways to talk to Eddie but it was too busy to even explain himself to him. _How could I not notice the signs_. The signs were right there, in front of him the whole time. Has Eddie been waiting for him to make the move this whole time? 

His shift was ending soon but he still didn’t find a way to tell Eddie. Now he’s in the locker room again, contemplating. There are stakes in telling him. If Chim is wrong, admitting his feelings to Eddie would change their friendship for the worst.

“Buck.” 

“I thought you had to go.” He couldn’t turn around.. 

“I can’t go home, at least not before I apologize. I’m sorry. I’ve been acting like a complete asshole. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you over last night.” Eddie said.

“I understand though. If I was in that situation, I would be mad too.” Buck said.

“You would?” 

“Eddie, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.” Fuck, here it goes. 

“Okay?”

“I don’t know if you feel the same way, but I’ve had feelings for you for a really long time, and I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. Everyone thinks we’re dating and I want that to be real. I want to be with you.” He can’t feel relief yet. Not until Eddie reacts and responds.

“You do?” Was all he managed to say.

“I’m sorry I just dropped that on you. I just had to get it off my chest.” Buck looked down.

“I feel the same way about you, and at first I thought it was just some crush but I can’t get over you Buck.” 

They leaned in to kiss but were interrupted by Chim’s voice. 

“I thought both of you left already.” Chim asked. 

“I’m getting ready to head out, I just forgot something.” Eddie said. 

Chim looked at both of them. “Uh huh.” He walked out. 

“We can’t do this at work.” Eddie said to Buck. “Can we talk about this later?” He asked him. 

“I would love to.” Buck said.

As they both walked out to their cars, Buck felt the urge to just push him against a car and kiss him. He couldn’t wait to talk about it later. He needed to do it right then and there and the silence was making it worse. They went to their cars, just as he was about to look back he felt Eddie push him against his car. 

“I really don’t want to wait another day for this.” Eddie said.

He felt their lips touch and it was as if nothing else mattered in that moment. They pulled away from each other but he wanted more, they just can’t do that at work. 

“Dinner tomorrow night?” Buck asked.

“Sounds like a date.” Eddie said to him.

They both went to their cars, except he didn’t drive off. He sat in his car and sat in his car and tried to think about what just happened. They kissed, it was real and Chim was right. He's tempted to text Maddie but it would have to wait at least until after his first date. 


	11. Die for You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie realizes that he isn't doing well after nearly drowning and he unintentionally pushes Buck away. He knows he can't hide his feelings forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to do a bit of a time jump. This chapter takes place after Eddie Begins.

**2 months later**

Eddie wished things would go back to normal. He kissed Buck two months ago and they never went on that date they were supposed to go on, nothing happened after he kissed him to his utter disappointment. They both ended up being too busy at work or too tired to even try to arrange a date or even talk about that night. They almost went back to their normal routine except now he can't even look at him the same way. He wished he felt bold enough to do it again, to tell him that he still has feelings for him but he could never get the chance to be alone with him. 

Then he almost drowned. He saw his life flash before his eyes and imagined Christopher’s life without him and that pushed him to survive.  It's been nearly two weeks since it happened and he's actually looking forward to seeing Frank, he needs to get some things off his chest. He can’t even sleep well without feeling like he's going to suffocate. Luckily, Buck has been helping him keep some of his sanity.  _ I just want more. _ Now everything was much worse. He feels like he can't go one day without seeing Buck, he's falling apart. 

He was staring at the clock in Frank's office. One minute he was fine and then he was in the well gasping for air. He could feel the water in his lungs as he took a deep breath. 

"Eddie?"

Except he couldn't find a way out and now he was out of oxygen and without an exit plan. He was starting to lose consciousness. 

"Eddie." 

"Eddie!" 

He was sitting on the couch gripping onto the handles.

"I'm sorry, I-" 

"You were having a PTSD episode. It's a normal reaction after going through a traumatic event." Frank explained. 

"I haven't had an episode in years. I've just been under a lot of stress." He rubbed his eyes. 

"That’s understandable. Although I don't think it’s safe for you to return to work, maybe take a leave." 

"No." He felt the panic settling in. He can't take a leave from work. He needs to just move on. Now he remembers why he doesn’t like going to a therapist. He doesn’t want to show his emotions.

"Eddie, I really think rushing back to work is a terrible idea."

"I don't need to take time off work. I'm fine. I'm getting all the help I can get. Buck has been a lot of help." 

"Does Buck know how you're feeling?" 

"Yes, he does." No. Buck is always asking him how he's doing but he's never honest about it. 

"I hate to cut this short Frank, but I have to head to work." He pointed at his watch and quickly walked out of the office. Therapy has never been his thing. All he needs is Christopher and Buck.

He walks into the station but it's too quiet. He sees Hen and Chim in the dining area talking. He makes his way upstairs. They stop talking as soon as they see him. Something is going on. He notices Buck isn't anywhere to be found.

"Hey how's it going?" Eddie asks. He pulls out a chair and sits next to Hen. 

"Nothing." Both Hen and Chim respond at the same time. 

"Where's Buck?" 

"He's…" Hen hesitates. "He's in Bobby’s office." 

"They’re talking to Mark from HR." Chim said. 

"HR? For what?" 

"We're trying to figure that out too." Hen shrugs her shoulders.

He then hears Buck talking loudly as he storms out of Bobby’s office. 

"This is bullshit!" Buck storms out of the station. 

Eddie starts making his way downstairs to follow Buck but then hears Mark call him. 

"Diaz, can you please follow me into Captain Nash's office." 

He looks out to where Buck stormed out. He really wants to know what's going on. 

"Diaz now please. I'd like to get this over with." Mark sounded exasperated. 

He could feel Hen and Chim staring at him as he followed Mark into Bobby's office. 

"Mark this isn't necessary." Bobby said angrily. 

"I'm just following protocol. This is coming from the department." Mark said. 

"What’s this about?" Eddie asks. 

"Diaz if you can have a seat please." 

"I'll stand." Eddie responds. 

"Alright then I'll make this quick. You're being put on administrative leave." 

"What?!" Eddie interjects. "I'm perfectly fine. I can work." 

"You have not been attending your mandated therapy sessions." 

"I was never told I would be put on administrative leave over this." He needs to remain calm. 

"It was mentioned when you signed the paperwork. It's mandatory for HR to let you know you're being investigated as well." 

"Mark this really isn't the-" 

"Bobby just let me finish." Mark said. 

"What am I being investigated for?"

"To see whether or not you have an appropriate relationship with your coworker." 

He wants to scream. Of course this would all backfire. 

"Got it. Just call me when I can get back to work." He walks out. He hears Bobby arguing with Mark. 

"You can't just take away my firefighters like that Mark!" 

He can see Hen and Chim staring at him, he wants to run up to them to vent, but he doesn't want to make the situation worse. He drives to Buck’s place. He's the only one that can understand. He unlocks Buck's door and sees Buck drinking beer. Whatever they told him, it was bad. 

"Eddie, I thought you were at work?" 

"About that." He leans into the table. "They put me on leave." 

"You too?" 

"I need to go to my therapy sessions. Why did they put you on leave?" 

"Apparently someone saw us kissing. The department has had their eyes on us but what really set them off was what happened last week." Buck took a sip from his beer. 

"I almost drowned what was inappropriate about that."

"My reaction." 

"Buck, what are you talking about?" He's confused. 

"I'm sorry, this is affecting you and I just didn't think about it." 

"Buck? What the hell is going on?" 

"I was worried you weren't going to make it out alive, and I was upset that I never had the chance to tell you."

Then the apartment was flooded with water and they were both floating around trying not to suffocate. He hears a familiar voice. 

"Eddie?" 

He sits up in his bed, the panic of nearly drowning is still there but he's glad it was a nightmare. It makes him realize how realistic it can all be if the 118 ever found out. Buck’s undying support helps, but he feels conflicted.

They’re not dating, but he can't hide his feelings anymore. He kissed him months ago and nothing came out of it. Just like in his nightmare, he's afraid they'll both get suspended or even worse transferred to a different station if the 118 ever found out.  _ We aren't dating, they can't separate us. _ He wants more, he wants to be with him. It’s as if his love for him appeared overnight. He went from caring about him as a friend, to having a crush, to being in love with him. 

Buck hasn't told him, but he knows. After the well collapsed Buck was digging through the mud to get to him, Bobby had to pull him away. Somehow knowing that changes their dynamic. It had already changed before that but knowing Buck would die for him, it changes everything. He doesn't have a crush. He's in love with him. He's like a father to Christopher. No one else has connected with his son as well as Buck has. 

He can smell French Toast and and hear Christopher's laugh. He cleaned himself up in the bathroom and then walked to the kitchen. He saw Buck teaching Christopher how to make French Toast. He can't help but smile at watching them.

"Please don't burn the house down." Eddie teased. 

"Dad! Buck is making French Toast!" Christopher exclaimed. 

"I'm sure he is, buddy." 

He was oddly quiet during breakfast. He just observed his son and Buck. Observing their movements and he wonders how it would have been had he died in the well. 

Christopher was dropped off at his Abuela's house after breakfast and now he has the whole day to explain himself to Buck. He's finally going to make a move, ask him out on a date. To his disappointment, Buck wasn't at his house when he came back from dropping Christopher off. He checked his phone and saw a text message from him. Buck must’ve sent it when Eddie was driving. 

_ Got called into the station on my day off. Maybe we can do something afterwards?  _

_ Fuck it. _ If it meant driving to the station to ask Evan Buckley out on a date, then he was going to do it. 

When he walked into the 118 he saw a random woman looking around. 

"Can I help you with something?" Eddie asked her. 

"I'm looking for Evan Buckley." 

His stomach drops. Last time he checked, Buck wasn’t dating anyone. 

"Um yeah I'll go get him." 

"Tell him it's Abby." 

He stops in his tracks. He wants to turn around and tell her that she can't come into Buck’s life when she pleases but for now he's going to keep his mouth shut. He feels dejected. He was hoping she had left town by now. After the train wreck rescue he knew she was going to appear and hang around Buck. 

He found Buck in the locker room. He can't help but stare at him.

"Hey, someone by the name of Abby is here asking for you." 

"Oh hey, what are you doing here?" Buck asked. 

"Decided to stop by. She's waiting at the front." 

"Thanks."

He can't hear. He's had his heart broken before, but it has never hurt as much as it does watching Buck walk off with the one person he had a hard time getting over. He didn't make a move and Buck moved on, and now their friendship can't go back to normal. He must’ve been staring at them walking off because he felt someone's hand on his shoulder. 

"You poor lovestruck asshole." Hen said. 

"Not like any of that matters anymore, he's probably moved on." 

"I didn't know you two were dating."

"We're not. I'm an idiot and waited too long be-" he stops himself. He forgot that no one knows about that night. "Never mind." 

"What makes you think he’s getting back with Abby?" 

"They’re hanging out. I know how much she means to him, I'm not going to get in the way of it." 

"I think you're overthinking this Eddie. Buck's moved on from Abby. He probably just needs closure. You need to make a move though." Hen said. 

The drive back to his house was quiet. He needs silence at times but this time he feels hopeless. He appreciates Hen's feedback but even if he’s meeting up with Abby just for closure, Buck lied to him about it. He wasn’t called into work. He went to the station to meet Abby there.  _ But why would he lie to me? _ To his surprise he finds Buck at his house. He's in the living room watching TV. 

"Hey, I didn't think I'd find you here. How'd your thing with Abby go?"

"Great. I dropped her off at the airport." Buck said. 

"Oh. I'm sorry." Eddie sat down next to him. 

"It’s okay. I wasn’t expecting anything out of it. I got the closure I needed. I told her I moved on. My question is, why were you at the station? It's your day off." 

_ Fuck.  _ "I went to go talk to you. I thought you were actually called into work." 

"Nope. Chim saw her show up, he sent me a text, I went over there but I just wasn’t ready to talk to her, then you showed up." Buck said. 

"Oh."  _ Just tell him the truth.  _

He feels Buck move closer to him and their thighs start touching. 

_ What the hell are we doing?  _

"You thought it was something else?" Buck asked. 

"No not at all. Even if it was something more, I don't mind." Except he does mind. He cares a lot, he just has a weird way of showing it. He wishes things would go back to how they were before he kissed him, before he even realized his own feelings. 

"You don't care if I date?" Buck sounds hurt. 

"It's not like we are dating Buck, we just kissed and…" he fucked up.  _ God Eddie why are you such an asshole? _

"That’s good to know, you should give that teacher a chance then, she seems to like you." Buck stood up. 

He really fucked up. He can see the hurt on his face. He desperately wants to tell him that he doesn't mean it in that way, but it's too late, Buck is already halfway out the door. 

"I'll see you at work." He slams the door. 

He wants to cry. He's not one to show his emotions but he's alone and that's all he can do. He's frustrated and confused. He's not even sure why he even said that to Buck. He was supposed to ask him out on a date not push him away. Then he can hear his own father's words playing in his head.

" _ Edmundo this isn't natural. Please tell me this is just a phase."  _

_ "It isn’t. I don't even understand why you're making this into a big deal."  _

_ "It is a big deal I thought you were over this after what happened with Alejandro." Ramon exclaimed. _

_ "Well I can't change who I am. I don't know what you want from me!"  _

_ "I just want my son to be normal!"  _

_ "I am normal!"  _

He's been told from the start that his feelings weren't normal. Even if his own parents were accepting of him now, he can't help but resent them. He really needed their support when he was getting his face shoved into lockers for just being who he is. All they did was tell him he needed to stop liking men. He really needed to schedule another appointment with Frank. 


	12. Crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck evaluates his special relationship with Eddie (From Buck's POV).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think :). I decided to retcon the discussion Buck and Abby had.

Buck is surprised he isn't nervous to have lunch with Abby. He just wants closure but seeing Eddie's visceral reaction to Abby both times had him feeling nervous. He feels so nervous Abby has to ask if he's okay when he shows up to a cafe shop nearby.

"Im fine." He said.

"So why did you want to meet up?" 

"I just want some closure." He admits. "I was wondering for months what could've been. I waited around for you while you were having the time of your life in Europe."

"I'm sorry Buck. I know i should've just broken up with you instead of stringing you along for months." She looks at him empathetically.

"I mean everyone saw it except me." 

"But it looks like you've moved on." Abby said.

"I have, and I'm glad that you're happy." 

"Thank you. You seem really happy with that firefighter." 

"What?" 

"The one that went to go tell you that I was waiting for you?" 

"I am happy." Is all he can say. Even if they aren't technically together, the thought of him brightens his day. They finished their lunch and he dropped her off at the airport. He then headed to Eddie’s house to spend the rest of his day with him. 

**_Later that day_ **

Buck just wants to tear his apartment apart. He's beyond frustrated and upset that he doesn't even remember how he got to his apartment. All he remembers is Eddie telling him that he doesn't care if he moves on, the kiss meant nothing to him. Of course he had to bring up Ms. Flores because he's an idiot and doesn't think before he speaks. He's not even sure if their relationship can ever be the same. 

Then the grief hit him. Their relationship will never be the same. The one thing he feared in being honest about his feelings actually happened and now he fucked up.  _ If he didn't like me in that way, why did he kiss me? _ He wishes he could Eddie's lips against his, his body pressed against him. His heart is pounding.  _ Fucking hell. _

Maybe one of them will transfer to a different station, but then the fear of losing touch with him nearly has him on the verge of a panic attack. Someone knocks.  _ Oh shit. What if it's Eddie. _ He's disappointed when he opens the door and sees Maddie. 

"Oh." 

"Hey that's rude. I hope there is a good reason why you wanted me to come over on such a short notice." 

He doesn't remember texting her. 

"I invited you?" 

"I mean don't get me wrong Evan, I don't mind visiting you but you had me worried." She looks at Buck. "I'm still worried. What's going on?"

"Sorry, I completely forgot I texted you. I've been super busy, I had to drop Abby off at the airport." 

He's not sure why he lied to his sister but he didn't even want Eddie mentioned. 

Later on, after they've had dinner Maddie asks him if he's okay. 

"Is everything okay with you?" She asked.

"Yeah I'm fine." 

"I mean i don't know why you feel the need to lie to me." 

"Mads, I'm not lying." But he is and he can't look at her. 

"Chim told me you left with Abby in the morning and that you headed to Eddie’s afterwards." 

And here it comes. 

"I… I fucked up." 

"Is this about Abby?" 

"No. I'm way past that. Eddie and I kissed several months ago." He can see the excitement on her face.

"So you've been with him this whole time? I'm so h-" 

"No. Nothing ever came out of it. I don't even know how this happened." He sighs. "The point is he told me he didn't care about it and I told him to just go take the teacher out on a date." 

"So you were upset, but maybe you misunderstood. You both have had arguments before and made up." 

"I can't come back from this. I just stormed out of his house and slammed the door. He doesn't feel the same way about me Maddie." . 

"How do you know he doesn't like you? Just because he said something he probably doesn't mean?" 

"He kissed me because I probably pressured him after I told him I liked him and now he doesn't know how to tell me he doesn’t feel the same way." He wipes his eyes when he feels tears coming down his cheeks. "Not like any of that matters any ways, he's probably going to distance himself." 

Maddie gave him a hug, one thing he appreciates about his sister was her optimism. She let him cry and she reassured him that they would make up and that Eddie just needs space. Except this seems different. 

It was back to square one at work. He didn't speak a single word to Eddie throughout his shift and they would occasionally exchange awkward glances between each other. He almost felt like he did when he came back to work after the lawsuit, except now it involved complicated feelings. He paired himself up with Hen and Chim on their calls and he knows it probably made everything much worse but he needs to figure out his own and find a way to move on.

**_3 Weeks Later_ **

It’s been nearly a month and he still hasn’t spoken a single word to Eddie, and they were both still avoiding each other but he isn't sure how much longer he can go on without talking to him.

"Buck?!" Chim said to him. 

"What?" 

"Man you have been out of it lately. Is everything okay?" 

"Im fine." He knows Maddie probably talked to him about his situation. 

"Hey you're still going to the bar right?" 

Shit, he forgot that everyone was supposed to go out for drinks. 

"I'm not really feeling it tonight Chim." He admits. 

"Come on, maybe going out will get you out of your funk." Chim said in a lower voice. 

He looked over to where Eddie was at. He was talking to Hen. If there was anything that he missed was having an actual conversation with him.

"If it makes you feel any better, he said he isn't coming. I already asked. He said Carla is out of town so he can't find anyone else to babysit Christopher." Chim told him. 

"That's not true." He mutters. "He's avoiding me. He just doesn't want to be anywhere near me." 

"I'm sorry." Chim puts his hand on his shoulder. 

He bites the inside of his cheek. He can't break down at work. He needs to keep it together at work. 

"Yeah I'll meet you and Maddie at the bar." 

"That's more like it!" Chim smiles at him and he walks towards Hen and Eddie. Whatever he said made Eddie look over and glance at him. 

For one moment their eyes locked. Then he looked down again. Buck practically ran to his car as soon as his shift ended. He just wants to crawl into his bed and have a meltdown but Chim is right, going out will help him get out of his head and Eddie isn't going to be there. 

He shows up to the bar feeling optimistic. Maybe if he felt well enough he would karaoke with Chim and Maddie. The whole team was laughing and having a good time but he can’t help but look at the empty chair next to him. Eddie normally sits there and it's as if all the sorrow is crashing down on him. He's glad Chim and Maddie are on stage singing, but Hen notices a change in his demeanor.

"Hey whatever is going on between you and Eddie, I can assure you it will get better." Hen looks over her shoulder as she watches Karen order drinks. "Believe me when I tell you he's just as miserable as you are." 

"Doesn't feel like he is." 

"I mean I wouldn't be with the love of my life if I gave up so easily. Love isn't always easy." 

It's almost as if Hen manifested Eddie to show up because he did with Ana Flores, and now he wants to run far away from everyone. 

"Sorry I'm late, I had to pick up Ana." Eddie said when he walks up to the table. 

Hen gives Buck an awkward glance. Buck gets up and leaves. He can hear Karen asking if everything is okay .Eddie isn't miserable, he moved the fuck on because he told him to go for Ana and now he's alone, like always. He practically cries himself to sleep that night. He's fucking naive. He didn't expect for Eddie to wait around until they both figured out their feelings, until one of them spoke to each other. 

**_4 Weeks Later_ **   


He hasn't spoken to Eddie in two months and he hasn't even seen Christopher since the night he snapped at Eddie. He misses both of them. No one ever mentioned what happened at the bar either. The only thing he did get was Chim apologizing. No one thought Eddie was going to show up. It's his own damn fault for expecting something more than a friendship. Work doesn't feel the same anymore and he's not even sure if he loves his job. 

At the station Bobby announces that he's putting him and Eddie on clean up duty for the rest of their shift. 

He knows Bobby is aware of what's going on.  _ Shit. _ That meant he had to be with Eddie at the station alone, in the awkward silence.

"Cap can I talk to you?" Buck said quietly. 

"Sure." Bobby said loudly. 

"Away from everyone." 

Bobby looks around and gets the hint. They both walk downstairs and into his office. 

"Cap, you can't just put me on clean up duty, like I'm some newbie!" Buck exclaimed as soon as Bobby shut the door. 

"Look Buck, I've minded my business while you try to figure this whole thing out, but I can't have you and Eddie acting this way. It's hazardous for everyone." 

"So you're punishing me by putting me on clean up for my whole shift?!" 

"I'm not punishing you. I just want you both to figure it out, before I have to have one of you transferred." 

His heart drops. The last thing he wants is a transfer because then it would really mean it’s all over.

"Look, everyone is concerned. This has been going on for over a month. I don't want to transfer either of you and I don't want to get HR involved, but if someone goes to the head of department then it will be worse. Please just work this out." 

"Uh thanks Cap." Buck said blankly. He slowly walks out of his office. He looks up and sees Eddie looking at him. He looks away. It was going to be a long shift. 

Everyone was in the kitchen when the bell went off for the first call and they all ran to the fire truck and it's just Buck and Eddie standing in the kitchen. He tries avoiding looking at him but he fails. When he looks up Eddie is leaning against the sink with an unreadable expression on his face. 

"Christopher has been asking about you a lot." Eddie manages to say to him. 

"I miss him." He looks up and they lock eyes. He doesn't move.

"He misses you too. He talks about you a lot in school." 

He starts feeling incredibly selfish. He hasn't thought much about how this whole thing would affect Chris. He loves him like if he were his own son and he can’t believe it’s been that long.

"I'm sure he doesn't miss me too much, with Ana being around."

"Jesus Buck! This isn't even about her!" Eddie snaps. 

"Then what is it?! You just bring up Christopher to make me feel bad? To guilt trip me? It's bad enough that you've told me how exhausting I am!" He yells back. 

Eddie’s demeanor changes immediately. "Buck, I didn't mean that. I should've never said that to you." said softly. 

"Whatever dude. I have to say you really made me look like a moron though. I gave you space and somehow you start dating again, and I'm the one that ends up embarrassed and alone, because I was convinced you felt the same way."

"I should've never said that to you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry okay? I just want you to be around again. I just want to talk to you again, and you’re not alone." 

As happy as that would've made him feel before he feels nothing but pain. 

"Eddie, I want to talk to you again but you know things aren't going to go back to normal." 

"I-" he hesitates. "For the record I've felt the same way. I just don't want to get into this at work." 

"There is no one around." Buck laughs. "Typical Eddie. Avoiding the problem." 

"Just come over tonight or tomorrow, at least spend some time with Christopher." 

"I'll do it for Christopher." Buck responds. 

He finished the rest of his shift in silence. They didn't say a word to each other when no one was around but they both pretended that they were back on speaking terms when Bobby was around for the sake of their job.

He went over to Eddie's house the next day. He gets met by an ecstatic Christopher who immediately wants a hug.

"Buck!!! Where have you been?!" Christopher asked him. 

"Oh I've been busy with some things buddy, but I'm here now." He shows him his new lego set and they try to build it but Christopher gets tired halfway through and takes a nap. 

"I should go." Buck said when he sees Eddie walking out of Christopher's room. 

"I'm sorry about what happened at the bar." Eddie admits out of nowhere.

"You don't need to apologize. I shouldn't have acted that way. I was just surprised that you told me you didn't care."

"Sometimes I say shit I don't mean and sometimes it doesn't make sense." 

"You've never made sense. I’m falling apart and you just seem perfectly fine." Buck said.

"Christopher wasn't fine. He missed you." 

" _ Christopher _ missed me." Buck just nods his head in disbelief. "But you didn't. I can't do this." He just feels angry. "I can't believe that you would for one moment actually feel the same way, I can't fucking believe that I came over with the hope that things would just go back." 

“Wait, Buck hold on! You’re not letting me explain!”

“You don’t need to explain anything to me.”

He walks out again, and the small amount of hope that he has dwindles.


	13. Adorn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things with Buck and Eddie finally blow over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is the end. Thank you to everyone who gave me feedback.

_ He can feel his lips pressed against his. He just wants more, he's always craving it.  _

Eddie wakes up in a panic.  _ Jesus christ _ . He's been having dreams about Buck frequently. Another thing to talk to Frank about. He felt more anxious and nervous than usual but it could be because he has another date with Ana, even though he is tempted to cancel on her again.  _ He’s not really happy with her.  _ What he really wants is to text Buck because he misses him, but he won't. He fucked it up beyond repair. 

He's at the restaurant but it's as if he can't hear anything Ana is talking about. 

"I don't think this is going to work out." 

He snaps out of it. "What?"

"Whatever we are doing, going out on dates, it’s not going to work out."

"I'm sorry, I've just had a rough couple of days at work." Eddie explains. 

"That's the problem right there Eddie. It's not your job. You're just using it as an excuse. I can’t go on dates with you if it's going to be one sided."

"Who said it's one sided? I'm really trying here." Even he knows what he's saying is bullshit. 

"No you're not trying. You need to figure out that thing you have going on with Buck." She motioned for the waiter to go over to their table. She paid for her dinner and stood up. "Whatever is going on between you, I hope it works out." She walked away. 

Oddly enough, he isn’t upset about her technically breaking up with him. He knows that any relationship was going to be one sided because he is never going to give it his all, not with him still thinking about Buck constantly. He is an idiot for even trying to move on at least without resolving his issues with Buck.  _ Another thing that needs to be brought up to Frank.  _

He woke up early enough to go to a session with Frank. 

"Good morning Eddie." 

"Morning." He said. 

"What's going on?" 

"Well, Ana broke up with me." He blurts out. 

"And how are you feeling about that?"

"Honestly, I feel relieved. I don't think either of us liked each other that much." 

"So you predicted that this would happen eventually?" 

"It was bound to happen. She told me I needed to work things out with Buck." He shrugs his shoulders. 

"Have you talked to Buck?" Frank asks. 

"No." He wants to desperately change the subject, he's not ready to talk about Buck but he doesn't have anyone else to talk to.

"I see. You're still not on speaking terms with him." 

"I want to talk to him, it's just that I always end up hurting him more." Frank doesn't know he's actually in love with Buck, he's only told him that he's had a falling out with his best friend but he knows he's probably caught on. 

Frank takes off his glasses. "Eddie, I think you need to evaluate the type of relationship you want with Buck." 

"I have." 

"And have you talked to him about it?" 

"No. I mean I've tried but it just always ends up with an argument." 

Frank just listened to him go on about his relationship with Buck, but what he failed to mention was that he isn't prepared for his parents to be against it, because even though his father told him he's happy for him, they would never accept his relationship with Buck.

He didn't feel like a massive fuck up after his session ended but regardless there is a heavy feeling in his chest that won't go away. 

He pulls out his phone and types Buck's name. The last time they had a conversation through text was nearly two months ago and it hurts.

_ I know I have a lot of apologizing to do, and I know it doesn't mean much because I'm doing it over text messaging but please let me explain.  _

He hits the backspace button because he just needs to express how he is feeling but it isn't meant for Buck's eyes. He doesn’t realize that he accidentally pressed the send button and he gets hit with a sudden rush of panic. 

"Fuck!" He says too loudly. "Fuck!" He repeats to himself again.  _ This can't be happening. _

He goes to work but his head is spinning. He didn’t want to do a love confession through text and it probably makes him look like an even bigger asshole and Buck probably doesn’t care because he hasn’t bothered calling him. He walks into the locker room to change when he sees Buck in there sitting down.

“I’ll go change somewhere else, sorry.” He mutters.

“No. It’s fine.” Buck lets out a small laugh. “Actually I’m in here because I was trying to avoid you.” 

“Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to send that text message. I just need to explain myself.”

“Well you have a chance right now to explain yourself.”

“Buck, I-” 

The bell goes off and they’re conversation quickly ends. Throughout the day he tries to find a way to talk to Buck privately but he never gets the chance to be alone with him, and within the blink of an eye their shift is over. 

As he is walking over to his truck he hears Buck’s voice behind him. 

“Eddie!” 

He turns around and sees Buck walking up to him. 

“If you want to talk can we at least do this at my place.”

“Yeah. I’ll be over there soon.” 

Buck nods at him and leaves. He feels nerves getting to him as he starts driving to Buck’s apartment. His mind is going through different scenarios and somehow he finds himself at loss for words because he doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to tell his best friend. He’s apologized plenty of times and yet his apologies sound empty because he’s hurt Buck multiple times and he doesn’t deserve his forgiveness. When he finally gets to his apartment, he feels like he is sweating through his clothes but he manages to make it inside without having a nervous breakdown. 

When he walks up to his apartment door he knocks. Normally he would just walk in but their relationship has been tense lately and it wouldn't be appropriate of him to just waltz in.

“Hey.” 

“Hey.” He walks in. “I have a lot of explaining to do and I need to apologize. I’m sorry about everything. I know just saying I’m sorry over and over again isn’t going to convince you b-” 

“I know you mean it Eddie. I’ve been acting like a dick about this.” 

“No you haven’t, that’s all on me. This is all my fault. I should have never said that to you. I’m not good with words, and I’m working on it b-”

“I forgive you Eddie. I believe you.” Buck smiles at him .

“I’m sorry, I’m just rambling.”

He follows him to his kitchen. Buck goes to his fridge and pulls out two beer bottles and hands Eddie one. 

“I’ve missed this.”

“Me too.” 

“Buck, I-” He pauses. He puts his beer bottle down on the counter. He almost wants to say the three words.  _ I love you.  _ But he can’t. “I’m so sorry I pushed you away. I’ve been a shitty friend.” 

“I’ve already told you that you’re forgiven. I’m sorry too. I just want to move past this.” 

“I can’t.” 

“What?” 

“I kissed you. I can’t just go back to how things were because we can’t just go back to being friends Buck.” He wants to run away from what he’s feeling but there is no escaping what he feels for his best friend. 

“What are you trying to say?” Buck said defensively

“I love you.” 

Buck gives him a blank stare. 

“I’m in love with you. I want to be with you.”

Buck walks closer to him closing in their space. 

“I love you too.” 

Their lips touch and everything is finally perfect even if it's only temporary. Everything else is a blur and then Buck steps back and he has a horrified look on his face. 

"I can't do this. Eddie I'm so sorry." Buck looks away.

"What?" 

"You're with Ana." 

_ Shit.  _ He failed to mention that they broke up.

"We broke up." He palms Buck's face. "I was never being honest with her and she told me it was a one way relationship and she's right. I’ve been miserable this whole time because I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Buck gives him a small smile. “I want to be with you too.” Eddie leans in and kisses him on the lips.

Even if he doesn’t know where his relationship with Buck will take him, he is certain that Buck will forever be a part of his life.


End file.
